I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I manage time efficiently. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike guitar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after university, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured the Czech Republic with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby-Dick, and Boris Yeltsins autobiography in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for MI6. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair with my feet in cold water and ice cubes. While on vacation in Russia, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. This was made possible due to my secret Russian baking recipe,which actually turns them into Dogs with big eyes the size of saucers.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Moulinex and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and celebrated in the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.